Heya ppl..
Guess i owe all of you an apology... for the last 2.. really really angry posts... haha...

Mr . ... the trust i had in you was incredibly shaken.. with it took the last pillar of my stability... that is what i am talking about.. I dont call.. i dont even talk much in our conversations... there is no need... The book was infact... a gift... a gift from your mum... My choice of friends was based on... my heart... From Amy to you... I chose ppl who knew my "pain" and who stuck with me... who trusted me... and in return i trusted them.. they were not perfect... i was not blind... they had their qualities and they had their weaknesses... you lacked the perceptiveness or the ability to interpret situations... when or whether a certain action was "acceptable"... still do infact...

Amy... Go back? haha.. no... its not a matter of going back.. time and time again this has happened... Do i scare you? haha... sorry, but thats just how it is... the fact that you suddenly told me... after knowing for a month at least... its suspicious to say the least.. why keep me in the dark for so long? and why suddenly... mention it?

Virn... Thanks for talking... i know i didnt tell you both much.. but in time... maybe... moving on is a good idea... letting go... tt too is a good idea.. i heard those words not too long ago.. in Oldham hall actually... Amy.. Char... might remember the post.. but yea... I now realise that it is a continuous process in life... in change... nothing is absolute.. even the deepest trust...

Estelle... Sometimes... i just hit little snags.. and close up like a clam... I may seem short and irritable... depressed(Well i am)... but just... dont wry too much abt me.. and at these times... i mean wt i say.. i dont jest... thx for talkin too... needed it... :D oh and sry.. i'll be sure to warn u nxt time...

i realise how close to the edge i am.. just one single prod could push me right off... and i snapped.. i snapped when i heard wt amy said.. i snapped when i found it.. and im going to be open and honest about it now... "I wonder how is Chris.. Long time never contact him."... yeah.. i found it... hmmz............ Im leaving these posts up here.. to remind me..

Mr . Whoever u are.. im so glad u picked this day to tag that shit up... listen and listen closely.. I chose my friends coz they were ppl who I tot needed me the most... ppl who i tot i could trust to return that support.. and they did... True.. they could not hold out against the Shit i threw at them.. they tried... but they failed.. my expectations of friends is my problem, and a problem i will work to correct... Fuck Pride.. its no more a question of that... The book was given to me as a gift... So go take your smart ass comments elsewhere.. or tell me who you are so i can properly bash u.... Mr . Get a life... or get some guts... but thank you for the tag... it shows that some1 has no guts but at least has brains...

I shouldnt be in CO.. i don thave the fucking time of talent to do this fucking shit... what the hell... I just sat there and fingered along while the 2 pros played... felt like walking out... and wow... check this out

Pull ups - 9 - A
Sit ups - 48 - A
Sit and reach 52 - A
Shuttle Run - 9.8 - A
Standing B Jump - D....
Max i can get? Silver... knn...

Ive been screwing around alot these past months and now im wondering, why the hell am i in this fucked up state... wow... been spending more time messing with programming than studying Math and Physics... sure.. in computing im ahead.. but Math(11.5/30) wow Colin beat me by half a mark... I am SICK of being mediocre I am SICK of being stuck with the most SHIT CCA in ACJC... I AM SICK of being LIED TO... ur a BITCH u know tt? an ABSOLUTE BITCH, so fucking manipulative.. ur not a baby anymore.. u aint the saint... BELIEVE what u will... I went past the breaking pt long ago.. u want to SCREW up my impressions of ppl? FUCK OFF... so fucking tired of it all.. there's only so much u can push me, I cant believe i EVER trusted you... live ur pitiful life without me... U'll survive... with the ppl u con...

God... how much more can i take... how much more must i take...

Confusion

OK, had quite alot to say yesterday when i got back home.. but i didnt have the energy to blog... oh well.. here goes

what i realised... 59 Oriole Cresent... Alex's house, it was outside that house where I ended my relationship with Amy, and it was there that I had a phone call that told me i had lost the chance with Charlotte... it hit me when i was on the bus yesterday.. haha... Strange that i never made that connection before... Im not depressed or anything.. its just yep... struck me... haha...

second, Im confused by the aspect of life again... that persistant and dangerous yet entrancing feeling called love... God dammit... Sure go ahead link me to Estelle... but the truth is... do all BGRs have to be based on "love", or rather... why not platonic... Ive got enough to deal with in JC life, school and otherwise. I'd love to have someone to call my girl, but is it worth the pain and trouble in the first place...
I admit, My mind strays along these lines once in a while... especially during those times spent in solitude where i ponder, why the F*** am I sitting staring at my computer screen like a super nerd(Indeed, i feel married to my Laptop)... and not talking to a special someone over the phone, or sitting at a restaurent having a meaningful dinner and conversation. yea... im a fan of the Gentlemanly-age... sue me...
yet... Im happy this way... or at least most of the time I am... Teasing Karen, listening to Daph's jokes, Trying to get Virn to smile perpetually, annoying the heck out of Estelle, Being very nice to YingYing(I don't know why though... She seems... different, will ponder over this some other time)... otherwise im just quiet and studying like a book worm...(more on this later)
Girls I hang out with most... all of them great friends and why most of them arnt attached i do not know... I trust them, love hanging out with them, laugh with them, worry about them... and there is nothing i would want to change about this... just friends... no need for love to confuse this...
I guess the reason why im thought so much about this is... well, what Daph said to me at the P.S busstop... "Is Karen the new Estelle?" it got me thinking... what do i want?

Sonia... strange that that name pop-ed into mind suddenly... haha... great girl, v.intelligent, mature and she seems to have this calmness in whatever she does, a person who radiates Coolness and Passion at the same time... Yet i cannot hold a conv with her.. why? Nicholas of SE5... oh God... sorry for suaning that guy... dont really know what came over me:D yep... side tracking and digitising my thoughts as they come to mind...

Trust... I find it harder and harder to trust ppl now... and a book i read today gave me an insight as to why this is so... to cut it short.. I hv put my trust in a number of ppl in the past.. ppl i tot would always be there when i needed them, ppl i could depend on for stability, maturity, comfort, trust in return... I expected them to be perfect, to never fail me... or even if they do.. realise it and value our friendship over the matter of pride and fear... You know me...
8 mths ago i was the happiest guy ever... I had my friends, was free of my family, Had a girl i loved, fulfillment... I had chosen 4 people to be my confidents... my closest friends... Amy, Charlotte, Simun, Ben... well suffice to say that these relationships have crumbled in one way or another... sure im still friends with them... but.. am i bothered whether they call anymore? not really...

I've got no intention of changing any aspect of my life now... im quiet most of the time.. essentric at certain times, love my life and most things in it... so... lets keep it that way... eh God?

helloooooooo monkey! :D

New Layout!

haha... felt like destressing so i dug out the templates i had downloaded smtime ago and did some tweaking.. gonna chock this 1 up with quite a few features.. love the use of absolute positioning.. but i need Dreamweaver to visualise the effect :P hope u like it.. and hope the image dun take too long to load.. will correct wtever bugs there are soon :P... meanwhile i should be studying Chinese. Bleh... nitez!

p.s Hmm color combi sux.. didnt realise it.. no matter... maybe i'll change the image... sry...

Hmm... work work


been pretty amused by the amount of attention that Colin's Blog has generated amoung the Population of ACJC.. haha... especially this morning when i overheard a couple of girls discussing Colin's love life like a movie... God i cldnt stop smiling for the whole assembly.. haha...

Erg... feeling the strain of 3 CCAs... haha.. well actually not really.. just found that i do NOT have time to allot to ANYTHING else... spent the trip home considering dropping wither Spectra or Library... and talked to my cousin while i was hving dinner... Spectra... sry bud... Im sticking with Library...

My delve in PHP has come to an indefinite pause.. but i will read up while i hv ntng to do in computing class or smtng... yea...

on to more impt stuff... :D or rather stuff that affected me more... had a sudden attack of depression last night.. got no idea why.. but then i realised that i didnt have anyone to call up in the middle of the night... it used to be Amy.. Char... Ben... Simun... in the end i sms-ed Amy... but i cldnt bring myself to say much.. Char... Simun... hvnt even heard from them, Simun more so... at least i get a shallow 'hello, hows life' from Char... Ben... maybe its pride or guilt i do not know... but the attitude that you show me now and the attitude with which u treated the situation was apalling... is it enough to undermine our friendship? maybe.. *tick tick tick... time is slipping away...

Charlotte Tan... hmm... u hv not updated ur blog at blogdrive 4 quite some time.. haha... guess its time to del its address from my bookmarks... same for crystal stars... y do i keep on going back? i do not know...

Feeling: *grin

What i learnt today:
Some times... telling a well-meaning friend ur little secrets can cause a hell lot of trouble... and embarrassment... (God... how will i face her again)

trust... wow.. yet another betrayal trust... ok fine.. it was childish.. but do NOT expect forgiveness so simply.. know that your actions have consequences... slowly, tearing apart friendships by stupid acts... Think about your life... "friend"... and remember that some people arnt as "happy-go-lucky" and IRRESPONSIBLE as you are... patience wearing thin... especially when its not only my trust in you that you are wearing down... grow up... im done... ur forgiven... but remember this...

Seasons of love

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure? measure a year

in daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in a life?

how about love?
how about love?
how about love?
measure in love...
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

(female soloist)
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan
five hundred twenty five thousand suix hundred minutes
how do you measure a life of a woman or a man

(male soloist)
in truths that she learned
or in times that she cried
in bridges he burned
or the way that she died

(all)
its time now to sing out though
the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in a life
of friends

remember the love...
(oh you gotta remember the love)
remember the love...
(oh yeah, its a gift from up above)
remember the love...
(sing out, give out, measure your life
in looooooove...!!!)
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

All hail the great idiot Chris Cai

Got pretty groggy after a late night and a day at school.. Changed out of my Uniform and dumped my washings into the Machine... took a shower... flopped on the bed and woke up 1.5 hrs later... walked to the machine to hang out my clothes... pulled 1 out, cursed my self for leaving that tissue in my pocket... took another out......

and started to wake up to the fact that it was covered in shredded paper... OMG... dumping the uniform i had on the hanging-thingie, i frantically dug through the clothes... oh ****, my note book cover... the only part of the note book that survived coz it was plastic... DOH...

haha.... got to say.. the ring spine of the notebook ended up looking like a disembodied paper spine... the whole core of paper was protected by the metal rings.. haha...

go ahead congratulate my stupidity..

oh lets leave this a food for thought... Whats best is not whats easiest... more on my next blog if i have the time and inspiration...

Feeling: unknown

What i learnt today:
Beautiful day has an execellent introduction.. synthesized and fitting for my mood now, which i happen not to be able to describe...

Transfered to 1SE6 yesterday! yeah! haha... finally managed to resist the urge to go online last nite... blasted addiction... im in Computer Practical now... all by my lonsome self... hmm... and 1 forgot to bring along my practical ws... oh well juz messing around with C++ and the Web now... reading blogs,etc... cant get the scene out of my head... the teasing i got from SG3 ppl when i poked estelle in the ribs... jeez... lol. oh well...

Feeling: Cold, bored

What i learnt today: how to use the sting declaration... and Physics is seriously fun... (no kiddin)