Confusion

OK, had quite alot to say yesterday when i got back home.. but i didnt have the energy to blog... oh well.. here goes

what i realised... 59 Oriole Cresent... Alex's house, it was outside that house where I ended my relationship with Amy, and it was there that I had a phone call that told me i had lost the chance with Charlotte... it hit me when i was on the bus yesterday.. haha... Strange that i never made that connection before... Im not depressed or anything.. its just yep... struck me... haha...

second, Im confused by the aspect of life again... that persistant and dangerous yet entrancing feeling called love... God dammit... Sure go ahead link me to Estelle... but the truth is... do all BGRs have to be based on "love", or rather... why not platonic... Ive got enough to deal with in JC life, school and otherwise. I'd love to have someone to call my girl, but is it worth the pain and trouble in the first place...
I admit, My mind strays along these lines once in a while... especially during those times spent in solitude where i ponder, why the F*** am I sitting staring at my computer screen like a super nerd(Indeed, i feel married to my Laptop)... and not talking to a special someone over the phone, or sitting at a restaurent having a meaningful dinner and conversation. yea... im a fan of the Gentlemanly-age... sue me...
yet... Im happy this way... or at least most of the time I am... Teasing Karen, listening to Daph's jokes, Trying to get Virn to smile perpetually, annoying the heck out of Estelle, Being very nice to YingYing(I don't know why though... She seems... different, will ponder over this some other time)... otherwise im just quiet and studying like a book worm...(more on this later)
Girls I hang out with most... all of them great friends and why most of them arnt attached i do not know... I trust them, love hanging out with them, laugh with them, worry about them... and there is nothing i would want to change about this... just friends... no need for love to confuse this...
I guess the reason why im thought so much about this is... well, what Daph said to me at the P.S busstop... "Is Karen the new Estelle?" it got me thinking... what do i want?

Sonia... strange that that name pop-ed into mind suddenly... haha... great girl, v.intelligent, mature and she seems to have this calmness in whatever she does, a person who radiates Coolness and Passion at the same time... Yet i cannot hold a conv with her.. why? Nicholas of SE5... oh God... sorry for suaning that guy... dont really know what came over me:D yep... side tracking and digitising my thoughts as they come to mind...

Trust... I find it harder and harder to trust ppl now... and a book i read today gave me an insight as to why this is so... to cut it short.. I hv put my trust in a number of ppl in the past.. ppl i tot would always be there when i needed them, ppl i could depend on for stability, maturity, comfort, trust in return... I expected them to be perfect, to never fail me... or even if they do.. realise it and value our friendship over the matter of pride and fear... You know me...
8 mths ago i was the happiest guy ever... I had my friends, was free of my family, Had a girl i loved, fulfillment... I had chosen 4 people to be my confidents... my closest friends... Amy, Charlotte, Simun, Ben... well suffice to say that these relationships have crumbled in one way or another... sure im still friends with them... but.. am i bothered whether they call anymore? not really...

I've got no intention of changing any aspect of my life now... im quiet most of the time.. essentric at certain times, love my life and most things in it... so... lets keep it that way... eh God?