You...

...are never there

untie my soul

so i guess it has come to this. I've stopped being angry, being emotionally incapacitated by the very thought of you. but the anger has been replaced by a dull ache that refuses to go away. i do still read your blog, but i cannot bring myself to say this to you personally. I wont lie. I'm not ok.

But I've moved on.

I still cry, I still hurt. I'm happy with the people I'm with. But when I'm alone... I feel just that. alone. cold. scared.

(removed)

inwardly, i'm struggling to stop this. but i'm losing... badly. I'm glad you are ok and having happy moments. I'm sorry you still have to think about us. no... its not plural anymore. think about... me.

Share? I have nothing to give. How can I presume to take?


I thought it might have been time. but i guess... im still not ready.

chris(deceased)

fitting? haha... damn.. so I'm a self-centered addict of WoW. buddy... you have no idea.. hahaha... Im sorry, I have no explanation. just excuses... I don't want to be such a person either. but i've lost control. im careening off the edge of a water fall with no rudder attached.

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

taken from Leave out all the rest - Linkin Park, Minutes to Midnight

4948 - and counting

that is the number of files i need to sort through... 1/4 of which must be duplicates... sheesh.

Hmm... i need to come up with a new design for my blog, lest I stick with this plain ol' run of the mill one from blogger. BUT I need photoshop( sponsers anyone?)... grr.. argh. Any suggestions on a theme? :D I haven't given it much thought, but recently the only thing on my mind has bee WoW and suicide... rather boring design focuses. My ol' friendster account is due for an overhaul too, though the lack of photos(and general lack of life) has made it hard to motivate myself to get started on it.

I really enjoyed feeling numb for a few days. But that's not how i choose to live. So i stupidly went and put a knife into my heart. Read alot of her previous posts about promises and other ephemeral words and moments, in times long past. bah... bitterness... but the sweetness evades(+5) me.

why do I do this to myself? I'll never know... or rather... I'd never admit it.

Gonna hang out with Twiggy and WooOOo later, maybe catch Pirates, though... I never did watch the first two shows.

Ghost of you and me

Well... i finally tore myself away from WoW for a day. Its escapism I know, especially in the current state I'm in. But hey, all you need to do to understand why I'm going crazy in my brain is take a trip to her blog. rah.

Being out with my "Ghost from the past" showed me many things that I have refused to acknowledge for the longest time, it also helped siphon off the awkwardness I felt around others and reminded me of the reality of things around me.

I can't really afford to just distract myself from all the pain. He reminded me that I need to face this, just as I faced the trials I've had in my past.

Will I crash and burn? Or will I stand up again?