yeah! Changed the template... I woke up this morning feeling slightly depressed... or rather, confused... still am really, just less bothered... the question? well lets start from the beginning... this is what i wrote on the bus this morning

heya... i find that im really confused about my feelings right now.. its not like im even Wanting to get into a relationship... or at least that is what i thought. I once asked Happy cow whether is was "better" to pursue a relationship with someone i felt comfortable with, or someone i was attracted to... a crush, if u'd rather. Now i revisit the question with a more personal viewpoint.

of course there is a question of whether i want to risk it again, I've had bad experiances with relationships, well i consider any thing that is "failed" to be rather "bad". blasted heart is playin tricks on me.. haha... ok, honestly i think i suck at handling these emotions when they start to show... seriously, i try to be a happy go lucky guy most times... just so that I can "fit-in", be the "Smooth" Chris.. according to mein friend Twiggie... haha... but when i think about them... it hurts, less so now.. but it still hurts... thats when i hit the books with a vengence... to forget...

Ive changed and grown over the last 5 6 mths at AC... its good to be back in a Co-ed environment... :D ok.. that didnt really sound right but nvm, I guess it was best that i spent 4 years in ACSBR... a guys school... I would probably have gone nuts and screwed up my life even worse if i had been in a Co-ed school... haha.. look at what happened in 1 year of playing with the fire that wes "love"...

that is the fear i have... yet, no matter how many times im burnt, there is this longing to have security... or rather to provide security... I feel most safe when im protecting some1... that is the best way to put it...

can u see my confusion and frustration now? haha.... gosh...